Striving to be "perfect" leads to unhealthy consequences for both parents and children

Is it possible to achieve the status of "ideal parent"?

Researchers leading the national dialogue on parent burnout from The Ohio State University College of Medicine and the university's Office of the Chief Wellness Officer say no, and new research shows that the pressure to be "perfect" leads to unhealthy outcomes for both parents and their children.

A survey of more than 700 parents across the country from June 15 to July 28, 2023, is featured in a new report, "The Power of Positive Parenting: Evidence to Help Parents and Their Children Thrive." The data shows that:

1. Fifty-seven percent (57%) of parents reported burnout.
2. Parental burnout is closely linked to internal and external expectations, including feelings of competence as a parent, perceived judgment from others, playtime with children, relationship with spouse, and keeping the home clean.
3. The more time parents spend with their children in free play and the less structured extracurricular activities, the fewer mental health problems children have (e.g. anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, bipolar disorder).
4. Parents’ mental health and behaviors greatly influence their children’s mental health. If children have mental health problems, parents report higher levels of burnout and are more likely to verbally abuse, criticize, yell, swear, and/or physically punish their children (e.g., spanking frequently). Higher levels of self-reported parental burnout and harsh parenting practices are associated with more mental health problems in children.

Kate Gavlik, DNP, one of the study's lead researchers, who based the research on her experiences as a working mother of four, said the illusion and expectation of "perfect parenting" can be discouraging.

"I think social media has really tipped the scales," said Gavlik, an associate professor at the Ohio State College of Nursing. "You can look at people on Instagram or even just see people on the street, and I'm always like, 'How do they do it? How do they always seem so put together when I can't?'

"We have high expectations of ourselves as parents; we have high expectations of what our children should do. And on the other hand, you compare yourself to other people, other families, and there's a lot of judgment going on. And whether it's intentional or not, it's still there."

Research data shows that the pressure of expectations, which Gavlik calls the "achievement culture," leads to burnout (a state of physical and emotional exhaustion), which in turn leads to other, potentially disabling problems.

When parents burn out, they have more depression, anxiety, and stress, but their children also behave worse emotionally. So it's important to confront your real story if you're burning out as a parent and do something about it to better care for yourself."

Bernadette Melnick, PhD, FAAN, Vice President of Wellness and Chief Wellness Officer at Ohio State

In their new report, Gavlik and Melnick bring critical updates to their original 2022 study that measured working parent burnout during the COVID-19 pandemic. Gavlik and Melnick created the first-of-its-kind Working Parent Burnout Scale, a 10-item questionnaire that allows parents to measure their burnout in real time and use evidence-based solutions to help.

The scale is included in the new report, along with new recommendations on positive parenting strategies, techniques and tips for strengthening deep connections with children.

"Positive parenting is when you give your children lots of love and warmth, but you also provide structure and guidance in their lives," Melnick explained. "You gently teach them the consequences of behavior. So it's better to strive to be a positive parent than a perfect parent."

Among the strategies:

• Communication and active listening
• Noticing, checking and changing negative thoughts to positive ones
• Adjusting Expectations for Parents and Children
• Reflection and action according to priorities

"If perhaps you prioritize keeping your home spotlessly clean but feel like you don't have time to hang out with your kids every night, you may need to reorganize your chores or find a way to combine the two," Havlik suggested.

Melnick said these data-driven approaches could help calm what she calls a "public health epidemic" of parental burnout.

"Parents do a great job of taking care of their children and everyone else, but they often don't prioritize their own self-care," Melnick said. "As parents, we can't keep drawing from an empty jar. If kids see their parents taking good care of themselves, they're more likely to grow up with that value, too. That has a ripple effect on the kids and the whole family."

"As one parent told me," Gavlik added, "'I'd rather have a happy child than a perfect child.'"