What do you need to do to be a good father?

Right after the baby is born, a man may be a little unsure of what his role as a father means and will mean. Most likely, while his wife is taking care of the baby, the man is unsure of what he can and should do. Our advice is to get involved! You should immediately take responsibility for various aspects of your child's care. Once you start, you will quickly become a "professional".

A man may not know what a new father can do. He can do everything except breastfeed the baby. He can even help the new mother express breast milk; and then he can feed it to the baby from a bottle. Also, a man can wake up at night to bring the baby to the mother. Other things a man can do include washing the baby, getting the baby ready for bed, rocking and putting the baby to sleep, changing diapers and other help for the mother.

Research has shown that fathers today spend more time with their children than ever before. In 1990, fathers spent only 43% of their time with their children, but now that percentage is 65% on weekdays and 87% on weekends. Much of that time is spent on various caregiving responsibilities that can bring a father closer to his child. It can also help a father feel like a real parent.

What does it take to be a good father?

Now the man has become a father. Although he has changed, he has remained the same. He just has another wonderful occupation.

Being a father is a huge responsibility, and a man probably wants to do the job to the best of his ability. It is a forever role, and even when his own children grow up and have children of their own (it is hard to imagine that this will ever happen with a newborn in his arms), a man will still be a father. Knowing how to start and how to continue this for many years is a great help. Don't take a "wait and see" attitude - act now! This is the best training, and both the man and his child will learn in the process.

A man should not be afraid to ask for advice or help if he needs it. No one becomes an expert overnight - not even his wife! And asking for advice is in no way degrading. In fact, a man is respected for having the courage to ask for help.

A man should talk to other parents, especially other fathers, about his concerns. Many of them have had the same experience. Their solutions to some of the problems a man may be worried about can help him feel less afraid and less frustrated. His growing sense of understanding will strengthen the man's bond with his child.

Connection with the child

Women bond with their baby for 9 months before birth. Some researchers believe that men can also feel this bond before birth. We talked about this in Chapter 5. Although this bond is very important for mother and baby, it is equally important for men to feel it. It allows a man to connect physically and emotionally with his baby. This usually does not happen right away, it is not a one-time event. Bonding is one of the most important things a man can do to realize that this is his baby.

It will take time for a new father to feel this connection with his newborn. He may continue this soon after the baby is born. To strengthen this bond, it is important to spend time alone with the baby, holding him and looking into his eyes. Cuddling the baby while maintaining eye contact also strengthens the bond. Babies respond well to the human voice, so singing to him and talking to him can help strengthen this bond.

How to form a connection

There are various techniques that a man can use to feel the connection between him and his baby. Some of them are described below. A man should try the ones that he thinks will help him. Don't worry about it looking silly - only you and your baby will know!

The father should lie on his side in bed and place the baby facing him, also on his side. He should be pulled close to him so that he can feel his breath on his face. You can talk to him or sing to him, and also cuddle him.

Hold the baby so that its head is under the father's chin (make sure the chin is cleanly shaved so as not to prick the baby). The father can rock from side to side and talk to the baby or sing to him. The baby will feel the father's breath as he exhales.

The father can place the baby on his stomach along his arm and support his head and chin. The baby's legs should hang down on the father's sides. You can hold him in this position or sit with him on a chair. If the father moves, the baby's head should be protected.

The father can lie down with his baby on the bed, take off his shirt and place the baby on his chest (naked or swaddled). This is one of the recommended positions for bonding between the baby and the parents. The baby's head should be turned so that he can hear his father's heartbeat. You can relax together and enjoy the closeness.

You can keep the baby close all day, take him with you on trips, carry him in a baby carrier on your chest. If the baby hears the father's voice, inhales his individual scent and is close to him, this will help them both become closer.

As your child gets older, you can maintain close contact with him by holding him and/or rocking him. Physical contact with your son will not make him any less masculine as he gets older. Revealing your feelings to your child is a great gift for him.

A great way to bond with your baby is to do the parenting (feeding, changing, putting to bed). It's normal for a father to learn how to swaddle, wash, and dress the baby! If a father helps his wife whenever he can, the bond between him and the baby will be stronger and they will get to know each other better.

POSITIVE BENEFITS OF BONDING. There are many positive benefits for both the father and his child when they feel connected to each other. The child will feel good with the father. It is also good for the physical health of the father. Research has shown that relaxing together with the child reduces the heart rate and blood pressure of the father. Bonding is good for both!

What should a father do?

There are many ways to take on fatherhood once the baby is born. A man should read books on child care, such as our book Baby's First Year Week by Week and other books and articles that address aspects of being a father that a man may have questions about. He should also practice what he has learned. It is good to be informed, but if a man does not put that knowledge into practice, it will not help his wife or his child.

Many men have the mistaken idea that a woman instinctively knows how to take care of a child. In some cases this is true, in others a woman may have no idea about caring for a newborn. It should not be assumed that a mother who has had her first child will be better at taking care of the child than the father. A man should be as active as she is.

Below is a list of things that many new fathers have shared with us that have helped them feel like fathers. A man should read it, discuss it with his wife, and see if it helps him and his family.

A man should spend time with his wife and their child. He should not bury himself in work to escape from what is happening at home. Both the woman and the child need a man's attention and time.

A man should understand that each parent brings something different to the situation. Decide who can do what and divide the responsibilities.

A man should make sure that his wife has time for herself, especially if she is at home with the child all day. She needs a break, so take care of the child when she is resting. She should spend some time alone, go for a walk, see friends or just go to the store.

A man should let his wife know when he needs time for himself. During this time, he can do something enjoyable, such as going to the gym, bowling, or meeting with friends. This will help him cope with stress.

A man should visit a pediatrician when he can. It is always good to learn from a specialist about the child's development. If changes will be beneficial to the child, both spouses should know about it.

A man needs to take on some of the less pleasant child care responsibilities, like changing diapers, feeding the baby at 2 a.m., and soothing (hopefully!) a crying baby. He doesn't have to do these things all the time, but doing them occasionally will make his wife grateful and respectful.

A man should know that caring for a child is quite difficult. His wife may have a hard time physically and emotionally recovering from pregnancy, combining this with caring for a child. It takes time, so you should offer her support.

You can take a leave to care for your child. If a man stays home with the child and takes care of him, it will help him get closer to the baby, meet the needs of his wife and become a good father.

A man should manage his emotions. It may be difficult for him to cope with his wife's mood swings, but if he does, it will do a good service to both spouses and the problem will soon disappear.

A man can also feel depressed, and this is normal. Talk to your wife about it, ask her for understanding, and try to find a solution that suits both of you.

If a man doesn't know something and wants to find out, he should ask questions - to his wife, friends and professionals. It is necessary to listen carefully to the answers and pay attention to the details.

A man should ask a woman to respond to his actions. After all, a man cannot do something until he knows how to do it.

A man should trust his instincts. Both he and his wife have them. They already know their little one well enough to instinctively understand what needs attention. If something seems wrong, it probably is.

With the arrival of a child, friends and relatives may become much more important than before. There is no need to give up adult activities and entertainment.

It is important to understand that it is impossible to be prepared for everything.

Features to be aware of

Knowing some basic child care can be a big help when needed. If a man can do the things listed below, he will be able to control the situation in most cases. Then you can relax and enjoy the activity.

It is important to know how to hold a baby. You should always support and protect his head. The baby can be held in your arms or placed on your shoulder.

It is important to know how to calm a crying child. When a man gets to know his child better, he will understand exactly how to calm him down.

A man should ask his wife or someone else to teach him how to wash a baby. In this case, the man will be able to wash the baby when needed; it can also calm the baby if it cries.

You should learn how to bottle feed your baby correctly. If the woman is formula feeding, the man can take over some of the feedings or do it constantly. If the woman is breast feeding, the man can bottle feed the baby when needed.

It is important to accustom the child to a sleep schedule. This will help him know what to do when this responsibility falls on the shoulders of a man. And it will help to calm the child when he is unruly.

You should learn how to walk with a child. And do it! Short walks along the street are a very good experience. A man should learn what exactly is needed during a walk and how to pack a bag with diapers.

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How to live with a child

With the arrival of a baby at home, the life of a couple will change dramatically! Many changes will have to be made that will affect days, weeks, months and even years. Some of these changes will remain for many years. Others will be necessary only until the baby acquires a new physical or emotional status or develops sufficiently; then new changes will be required. In this section, we point out ways in which you can make life with a baby easier and more enjoyable.

The couple had to prepare for the baby's arrival several months before. It's wonderful to feel like a family!

A child's daily routine affects his parents

During the first days and weeks of having a baby at home, the couple may be surprised that all the baby does is eat, sleep, and wet or soil his diapers. Let the baby develop his own routine. You can make changes to it as he grows and develops.

A couple may find that their baby sleeps a lot. It is normal for a baby to confuse day and night, but this usually goes away within a few weeks. However, it is desirable that the baby is awake and active during the day. This will help him to create a daily routine.

In the first 4 weeks of life, your baby may sleep 20 hours a day. You may wonder if he will ever be awake long enough to recognize you. But each day, he will be awake longer. When he is not sleeping, he should be cuddled and petted, and he will become more and more familiar with his parents and surroundings.

Enough sleep and food

When the baby is sleeping, it is important for both parents to try to get enough rest. They may not be able to get even 7 or 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but they can take short naps and go to bed earlier than usual to get enough sleep. Research has shown that even a few days of sleep deprivation increases the likelihood of a person getting sick. Both spouses need to be in good health to care for the baby.

The best thing a couple can do is sleep or rest when the baby sleeps. Even if the man is the only one taking care of the baby (maybe the mother is resting or doing something that helps her relax), he should rest when the baby sleeps.

If a man can't fall asleep, it's normal. Even a simple rest will help restore strength. You should lie down on the bed or the couch and let your brain "float away".

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Help should be accepted

If the couple is lucky enough to have relatives and friends willing to take care of the child, they should be allowed to do so. Many parents want to do everything themselves, but if someone offers to help, it will give them the opportunity to do something else. Perhaps the couple needs a break or just wants to be alone with each other.

If someone asks the spouses what they can do to help, there are many things that the spouses can allow them to do. It is always good to have a ready-made meal in the refrigerator or freezer. Help with cleaning and laundry is invaluable. The spouses may be grateful if someone watches the child while they relax or do something else.

Useful changes related to the house

The temperature in the house should be kept at a comfortable level. It should not be too warm, as this can be harmful to all family members. It is best if the temperature in the house is kept between 20 C and 21 C. The mood of the child can be an indicator of his well-being. If the child does not calm down after being picked up or fed, he may be too cold or too hot.

Don't tiptoe around your baby. Normal household noises are not harmful to your baby; if he hears them, he becomes less sensitive to them. The couple may find that the baby sleeps best (and not just at home) if there are background noises.

NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS. It is also important to make the home safe for the child. Perhaps the couple does not think it is necessary because their child is still small, but it is. There are many things that are desirable to do to ensure that the child is safe from the first day of being at home.

No one can make a home completely safe for a child, but there are ways to make it less dangerous. Accidents can (and will) happen, and to prevent them, you need to be aware of this.

The distance between the playpen bars should not be more than 6 cm (it is impossible to push a can of soda between them). The mattress should fit tightly to the walls. Do not put anything in the playpen except a sheet that matches the playpen and the baby (to reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome).

• It is necessary that the playpen be closed when the child is in it.
• Rattles and other playpen toys should be kept out of baby's reach and may need to be removed until baby is old enough.
• The playpen should be located away from windows, wall decorations, heating elements, climbable furniture, cords and other potential hazards.
• Never hang a pacifier or other object around a baby's neck.
• You can't leave a child alone in the water, even if it's only a few centimeters deep. A child can drown even at a depth of three centimeters, and in just a minute!
• You should not leave your baby on a sofa, bed, changing table or other surface that does not have sides. He may roll off onto the floor.
• Do not place the child's seat opposite the corner of the table if the child is in the seat.
• Seat belts should always be used.
• When handling baby care items, always follow the instructions. Manufacturers include them to ensure the safety of the child.
• You should never pick up a child while preparing food, or while the person is drinking a hot drink or smoking a cigarette.

If a couple wants to heat up baby food in a microwave, the bottle should be shaken and the food stirred to avoid hot spots. Breast milk should not be heated in a microwave - this changes the immunological properties of the milk.

You can't hang anything on the stroller.

Always place your child in a car seat. Make sure it meets safety standards and is installed correctly. Remember all the details so you can notice any changes if they occur.

Stairs and other places should be well lit.

On smooth surfaces, special non-slip mats should be placed to prevent falls.

Anti-scald devices should be installed in faucets and showers.

Common doubts of young fathers

Most new fathers have various concerns about how their lives will change with the arrival of a child. It does not mean the end of the life a man had "before the baby was born." Some changes may have to be made to cope with these changes. It is simply another opportunity for growth and learning. A man will find that these changes actually improve his family life. Some men learn that the best time for them is spent with their spouse and their child.

Am I ready to BE a father? If you ask most young fathers and they answer honestly, you will find that not one of them felt ready to take on this new role. Why? One of the reasons is the fear of the unknown. Since we are parents ourselves, we know that no one can tell you what it is like. At the same time, a man does not know the joy that comes with the realization that he has become a father until he himself experiences it. So it is important to understand that many young parents are subject to these doubts.

When a man understands what is required of him as a father, his doubts may disappear. If a man simply starts being a father, it will relieve him of many doubts. When he is involved in work, the duties will not seem difficult to him and he will discover the pleasure of being a father.

CAN I TAKE CARE OF A BABY? Many men are afraid that they will not be able to take care of a child; often, taking care of a child seems to be something that a man cannot do at all. One of the best ways to overcome this doubt is to try to practice it. Practice is the best way to learn. Childbirth training courses can teach you how to swaddle and bathe a baby. If the couple has friends or relatives who have a newborn, you can ask them to check how he will take care of the baby during the day or evening and use their skills. This method is also good for the expectant mother.

OUR MARRIAGE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. In a way, that's true. The relationship between spouses has changed forever, but that's probably a good thing. Spouses are now partners not only in life but also in parenting, and their relationship will change to reflect the changes and adaptations that both need.

Both spouses should work to identify the positive aspects of being parents. This is discussed below, under the heading "marital relationships."

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Marital relations

Couples may be wondering how exactly having a baby will affect their relationship. Will they be as close as before? Will they ever have sex again? How can they keep the flame of passion alive?

You have to be realistic about what's happening. The couple has become parents, and that's a very important aspect of their relationship. But they are also still spouses - they were spouses before the baby was born, and they may want to maintain that significant relationship. This is something to work on. Both spouses need to maintain and keep in touch with each other. In this section, we share how other couples have managed to maintain their relationships in a similar situation.

We should be tolerant of each other.

Spouses usually do not believe that after months of pregnancy and the stress of getting used to life with a child, their marital relationship will ever return to its previous course. Planning your time and energy can help here. Sometimes you can reward yourself for your efforts, it helps.

It is worth considering ways in which a man can support himself and his wife. The following recommendations will help spouses make their life together more enjoyable.

GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE. Soon, spouses will realize how much each of them values having some quiet time for themselves. This time can be spent enjoying their work, working on the computer, or playing golf. A woman can enjoy a long soak in the bath, spending time alone reading or doing needlework. When each spouse has time for themselves, it helps them to restore their inner strength and desire to continue their marital relationship.

SUPPORT EACH OTHER. You can do something special for each other: arrange a romantic dinner for two at home; hire a nanny or ask one of your friends and relatives to take care of the child, and in the meantime go to the cinema, theater or concert together. Time spent together will give spouses the opportunity to renew their relationship.

MASSAGE WILL BE ENJOYABLE FOR BOTH SPOUSES. If the couple practiced massage techniques during pregnancy, now is the time to use them to help each other relax. And there are excellent books and videos that can be found in the library or purchased in stores that contain instructions on "marital massage." We are not talking about erotic massage; these techniques are intended to relax.

COPE WITH FEELINGS. It is important for a marriage that both spouses control their feelings. For this, the three "C's" are important - communication, compromise and cooperation.

When difficulties arise, one should begin by expressing feelings. A man should be selective and convince his wife to be selective in this too. Open communication will help both spouses. Problems should be discussed as soon as they arise so that spouses can cope with them; at the same time, one should be honest with each other in expressing feelings and doubts. When making a decision, it is advisable to compromise (if possible) and, by cooperating together, turn the plan into reality.

Will we ever have sex again?

Perhaps one of the most important things a man thinks about after the birth of his child is the restoration of sexual relations. Most men are eager to have this aspect of the marital relationship back as soon as possible. However, most women feel that sex will be too painful after childbirth. They need to rest, get enough sleep, and get back to their normal life before thinking about sex again.

A woman's sexual desire, just like a man's, can be affected by stress, emotions and fatigue.

BIRTH CONTROL SHOULD NOT BE FORGOTTEN. Precautions should be taken during sex unless the couple wants to get pregnant again immediately. A woman can get pregnant before her period begins. It is important for her to discuss birth control with her husband and her doctor, in the hospital or during her 6-week recovery period.

Parents working together

If spouses begin their parenting journey by working together, they will achieve very good results. Sharing parenting duties and responsibilities as equally as possible will make child care easier for both spouses. Parenting is hard work, and it can be very stressful. But the rewards are great. Working together as a team with your spouse can increase these rewards.

In fact, spouses will naturally understand how to do certain things, and this is very useful. Working together (not shifting responsibilities to each other) will make the child's life integral. First, you need to agree that each of the spouses may have their own ways of doing this or that thing, but at the same time, it is imperative to be aware of what each of them is doing.

One of the most common areas of collaboration is disagreement; the spouses will find it difficult to agree with each other. It can help to understand that each of them brings their own thoughts and feelings. Each may have their own perception of the situation. This can lead to problems if there are no ways to cope with these differences. It is a good idea to discuss expectations before the baby is born. It is much easier to find out what the woman wants before both spouses have the stress of parenting. The spouses may be surprised (pleasantly or unpleasantly) by how each of them perceives the role of parent.

Spouses should share responsibilities. If they are both involved in all aspects of child care, it will be easier to accept changes.

Flexibility is a must. Different people have different ways of doing the same thing, but they lead to the same results. There are usually many solutions to a problem, and one should be prepared to do things in different ways. Perhaps adopting a woman's "other" way will save a man's strength and nerves.

It is necessary to support each other, even if the spouses have opposite opinions on some issue. It is necessary to talk about different views on the situation and try to resolve it.

It is necessary to work on emotional balance and support each other in the desire to be a good parent.

What Parents Can Learn From Their Child

A couple may not believe that a baby who can't lift his head or roll over can teach them anything. But it's amazing how much can be learned from that little one if the couple has the time and desire to learn. Here are some things parents have told us they've learned from their children.

Don't rush. There is a saying - "Don't rush, stop and smell the roses." If you don't stop rushing, you won't be able to stop and smell the roses. Spouses can find time to admire what life gives them together with their child. You need to live in the moment, put aside (for a while) worries about work, home and finances and enjoy what is happening at the moment!

Don't try to be perfect. When a child comes along, perfection goes out the window. This doesn't mean that couples can stop focusing on something and trying to be the best. We are simply saying that perfection is not a necessity. No one can be perfect, and if they try, they will be wasting their time, energy, and talents. Life isn't meant to be perfect either. And no child is perfect - in fact, there shouldn't be. Children learn from their mistakes. So relax and enjoy life and the growth and changes that everyone experiences.

Keep trying, even if the goal seems impossible. Young children are great at second, third, and fourth tries. If they fail, they keep trying because when they try and fail, they gain experience and learn. Adults can do the same. The old saying goes, "Failure only means that an attempt was made," and it certainly applies to young children. It probably applies to adults, too.

Postpartum blues syndrome

In the recent past, there has been a lot of buzz around postpartum depression, with a problem called postpartum depression syndrome. Most people didn't know what it was; many thought it was a "little problem." Most of the time, it is a little problem and can be dealt with fairly easily. But sometimes it becomes more serious.

Many women experience signs of postpartum depression; in fact, about 80% of women experience blues for a short period of time after the birth of their baby. Blues usually last from 2 days to 2 weeks after the birth of the baby. The good thing about this situation is that it is temporary, passing as quickly as it appears.

Nowadays, some doctors consider some signs of postpartum depression to be normal. Symptoms include excitability, lack of concentration, crying for no reason, lack of affection for the baby, self-blame, low self-esteem, impatience, hypersensitivity, irritability and restlessness. We believe that this may be due to the individual sensitivity of the woman to hormonal changes.

If a man thinks his wife has any form of postpartum depression, he should tell his doctor. Any postpartum depression, mild or severe, is usually temporary.

Forms of postpartum depression

The mildest form of postpartum depression is melancholy. In this case, the problem lasts for several weeks and the symptoms do not worsen.

A more serious form of postpartum blues is called postpartum depression, which affects about 10% of first-time mothers. The difference between blues and postpartum depression is the frequency, severity, and duration of the symptoms. Sleep problems are a good way to differentiate between the two. If a mother can sleep while someone else is caring for the baby, she is likely to have blues. If she is unable to sleep due to overstimulation, she is likely to have postpartum depression.

Postpartum depression can last from 2 weeks to a year after the birth. The mother feels angry, confused, panicky, and hopeless, and her sleeping and eating patterns may change. She may be afraid that she will harm the baby or feel like she is going crazy. Anxiety is one of the main signs of postpartum depression.

The most serious form of postpartum depression is postpartum psychosis. The woman may hallucinate, think about suicide, or try to harm the baby.

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How to deal with the problem

One of the most important ways to help cope with this problem is to start supporting the woman even before the baby is born. You can ask relatives and friends for help. It is advisable for a man to ask his mother or mother-in-law to live with them for a while. A man can take a short leave from work to help around the house, or you should hire a housemaid.

There is no special cure for melancholy, but there are ways a man can help his wife cope with it. He should ask others for help, convince the young mother to rest when the baby is sleeping, help her find other young mothers in the same situation. He should make her understand that it is not necessary to be perfect, show her signs of attention and support her in her desire to do not very difficult exercises every day. He should review the diet so that the food is healthy, and convince the woman to walk every day.

If a woman has a more severe form of postpartum depression than melancholy, the man should take her to see a doctor. At this visit, possible actions should be discussed. In the case of postpartum depression, medication may be necessary. About 85% of women who suffer from postpartum depression take medication.

Postpartum depression can affect men too

If a woman is depressed or has postpartum depression, it can affect a man too. Recent studies have shown that about 3% of new fathers experience significant signs of depression after their wives become pregnant. Research has also shown that if a new mother is depressed, the likelihood that her husband will be depressed increases significantly.

It is important for a man to prepare for this situation and understand that if he or his wife is depressed, it is temporary. Other things a man can do to help himself:

• Get professional help if you need it. It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength and maturity.
• One should not take a woman's situation personally.
• Take care of yourself by eating well, getting enough rest, and exercising.
• Be tolerant of women.
• Provide the woman with support and love during this difficult time. Ask her to provide the man with the same.