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What is the right way to talk to teenagers?
Medical expert of the article
Last reviewed: 06.07.2025
How to communicate with teenagers correctly? If parents asked themselves this question more often, many conflicts could be avoided. We will lift the veil of secrecy of communication with your beloved child, because adolescence is rightfully considered the most difficult of all ages. Conflicts between the child and mom and dad at this age are inevitable, because…
[ Why does conflict arise between an adult and a teenager?
In our country, teenagers are considered to be children from 12 to 17 years old. This period of life for children is divided into three periods – early adolescence (12-13), middle adolescence (13-16) and late adolescence – from 16 to 17 years old.
Adolescence is characterized by increased maximalism, vulnerability and the desire to prove the value of one's personality to the whole world. Therefore, a teenager tries to listen less to adults (even not at all) and more to peers, whose opinion becomes extremely important for the child. At the same time, an adult remains perplexed: just yesterday Vasenka or Lenochka, who obeyed every word of mom and dad, today argue about everything and prove their own opinion.
In addition to the psychological characteristics of adolescence, the conflict between parents and teenagers is influenced by misunderstandings between both parties. For example, dad says: "Turn off the light and go to bed, it's late" - dad means that it is harmful for the child to sit at the computer for too long, and the child hears something else in this phrase: dad is limiting his freedom. Therefore, it is advisable to communicate with the teenager as patiently as possible, explaining to him what exactly you meant when you asked the teenager to do this or that.
If an adult's tone rises, children will immediately recognize it. Irritation, anger, aggression - all this is picked up by the sensitive ear of a child, even if mom or dad are trying to speak calmly. As soon as a teenager feels that an adult is trying to make him feel guilty of something, he will immediately bristle and begin to contradict adults in any way. Therefore, try to talk to your child as calmly as possible, be polite to them, so that a socially immature person feels respect for himself.
The Importance of a Teen's Opinion
If you don't know how to resolve a particular situation, honestly address the child and ask his opinion. The child will express his feelings, and you will have a full conversation, not one-sided accusations. If you have doubts, express them to the child. Then he will understand that in front of him is not an indisputable authority, but a person with his own thoughts and feelings, doubts, the same as the child. And he will be more willing to listen to the opinions of adults.
In order to keep a certain situation under control, it is not necessary to achieve the child's consent to this or that step at all costs. A teenager should have the opportunity to choose. This is very important for them now, much more important than for a father or mother to achieve their own demands. Therefore, at this stage (in adolescence), it is very important to talk to the child more, and not demand from him.
If a child does not have to obey, he will not have to rebel against the "outdated" principles that adults "impose". Excessive criticism and the demand that a teenager be perfect in everything are more harmful than useful. You will not achieve the ideal, but you will very quickly set the child against you.
In addition, adults should sense and recognize when a child needs advice, and when a child is “trying things out”: can I talk to mom and dad about this or that? It is very good if the range of topics that parents can discuss with a teenager is as diverse as possible.
How to Get a Teen to Talk Frankly
Very often in adolescence, a child compares his or her behavior model with that of his or her peers. He or she may come home from school and tell you how Vasya behaved in class. He or she does not express his or her opinion, this is a test of the parental opinion. In this case, the parents' big mistake would be to immediately attack poor Vasya with hostility, scold him or her, and end the conversation with "But back in my day..." The child will get angry and start thinking that the parental behavior model in this and subsequent cases will not be original.
The correct behavior of parents is to invite the teenager to a frank conversation. The two main questions they should ask the child are: "What do you think about Vasya's behavior?" and "Why do you think so?" and the third, no less important question: "What would you do?"
If such conversations are held with teenagers on a regular basis, the child will not hide his or her feelings and intentions from adults, and you will always be able to react in time if your son or daughter starts having difficulties with something. For example, with how to behave in a particular company. The main task of parents is to preserve the precious opportunity to openly communicate with the child regardless of the circumstances in which he or she finds himself or herself. The feeling of constant connection with parents, the feeling that he or she will always be understood and listened to, is much more important for a teenager than a model of submission and authoritarianism. The feeling that the child will always be understood gives him or her greater self-confidence and confidence in communicating with peers, the child's social role becomes increasingly stronger and more stable.
When he becomes an adult, he will be firmly confident in himself and will transfer the same attitude to communication with an adult group. The career and personal life of such a teenager will develop much more successfully.
How to Gently Say "No" to a Teenager
Of course, parents cannot always agree with their child, because this will not strengthen their authority, but on the contrary, will destroy it. First of all, parents should be honest with their son or daughter. But you also need to know how to say “no” to a teenager. There are many phrases that you can use to tell a child that you do not agree with his opinion or that you do not like it. First, you need to listen to the child without interrupting, even if, in your opinion, he is talking complete nonsense. And if you do not agree with his opinion or action, carefully speak out: “I would most likely have acted differently.” The child will certainly have a question about how.
Or tell the teenager: “I can’t agree with you, although there may be something to it. But the situation can be approached more effectively.” And discuss with the child a plan for developing the situation, taking into account and respecting his opinion. Or say another magic phrase: “I have a different opinion, but I respect yours. You can act as you see fit. Although it would be more useful…”
Thus, you do the main thing: you show the child how you respect him, and do not impose your own opinion, but make it clear and your own position. Then the child learns from you that it is normal to defend and have your own opinion, it does not necessarily have to coincide with the opinion of the greatest authority for him.
If you don't openly contradict your child, he won't have the need and, most importantly, the temptation to resist. Communicating with a teenager is not an easy task, but you can certainly handle it.